When is divorce mediation not safe?

Why mediation depends on equal footing

Mediation asks two people to negotiate face to face, or side by side on video. It assumes each person can say what they need without fear. When one spouse controls or frightens the other, that assumption breaks down.

The New York courts say mediation may be inappropriate when one party has a significant advantage in power or control. Their divorce mediation page states that cases involving domestic violence are not appropriate for mediation.

What abuse and coercive control can look like

Abuse is not only physical. New York's Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence describes it as a pattern used to gain and keep control over a partner. Coercive control is a term for that pattern. Examples include the following.

• Controlling money, accounts or access to work.
• Threats, intimidation or pressure to agree.
• Cutting a partner off from friends and family.
• Monitoring phones, email or location.
• Using the children or pets to gain leverage.

If these feel familiar, an agreement reached in mediation may reflect fear rather than real choice.

How screening works

When a New York court refers a family or matrimonial case to mediation, the parties must be screened with a standard tool. If mediation is not appropriate, the case goes back to the judge. Courts are not required to refer a case when there are allegations of domestic violence.

A careful private mediator will also ask about safety before starting, ideally with each spouse alone. You can tell a mediator you are unsure whether mediation is safe. You can also stop at any time.

Other paths and protections

If mediation is not right, other options remain. You can hire your own lawyer to negotiate or go to court for you. The court can decide support, property and custody.

You also have the right to ask Family Court, Criminal Court or both for an order of protection. An order of protection is a court order that limits contact or behavior. Filing in Family Court is free.

Getting help now

• Emergency. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
• NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline. Call 1-800-942-6906. It offers crisis counseling, safety planning and referrals, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
• Text or chat. Text 844-997-2121, or use the chat at opdv.ny.gov/chat.

Be careful on shared devices. Your browser history may show what you have looked at. A hotline advocate can help you plan safely.