How do we prepare for our first divorce mediation session?

Why the paperwork matters

A New York divorce cannot be finished without financial disclosure. The court’s Statement of Net Worth lists income, expenses, assets and debts for each spouse, and the attorney who files your divorce needs the same information to write the agreement. Gathering it before mediation, rather than after, is the single thing that most shortens the process.

It also changes the tone of the sessions. A couple who arrive with the numbers in front of them argue about what to do; a couple who arrive without them argue about what is true.

What to gather

• Income. The last two years of federal and state tax returns, with W-2s and 1099s, and the last three pay stubs for each of you. Self-employed: the last two years of business returns and a year-to-date profit and loss.
• Bank and investment accounts. The most recent statement for every checking, savings, brokerage and college-savings account, joint or separate.
• Retirement. The latest statement for every 401(k), 403(b), IRA, pension or deferred-compensation plan. For a pension, the plan’s name and your years of service; a pension split needs a separate court order (a QDRO), which the flat fee does not include.
• Debts. The latest statement for every credit card, car loan, student loan and personal loan, and whose name each is in.
• The house. The deed, the latest mortgage statement showing the balance, and any appraisal, purchase price or recent tax assessment. If you rent, the lease.
• Vehicles. Year, make, model, who holds the title, and the loan balance if any.
• Insurance. Health, life and disability policies: who is covered, the premiums, and who pays them.
• Children. School and activity schedules, health insurance cards, the cost of child care and of any extras such as tutoring or braces.
• Anything already agreed. If you have already settled something between you, write it down and bring it. It saves a session.

What to think through, on your own

You will not be asked to agree on these before the first session. You will be asked what matters to you about each, and it is easier to answer if you have thought about it first.

• The children’s week. Where they sleep on school nights and weekends, how holidays and summers are shared, how decisions about school and doctors are made. Think about what the children need, not what feels fair to the adults; that is the test the court applies too.
• Child support. New York calculates it by formula from both incomes. Knowing the incomes is most of the work; the formula is on this site’s child support calculator.
• Spousal maintenance. Also formula-based in New York, with a duration that depends on the length of the marriage. The question to think about is whether either of you needs time to get back on your financial feet.
• The house. Stay, sell, or one of you buys the other out. Each has a cost; write down what you would want and what you could afford.
• Everything else. Retirement accounts, the cars, the debts, and anything with sentimental value. The law divides marital property equitably, which means fairly, not always equally.

What not to do

• Do not move money. Emptying a joint account or running up a joint card before mediation is the fastest way to turn a cooperative divorce into a contested one, and the court can undo it.
• Do not bring a position paper. A list of demands sets the other person against you before anyone has spoken. Bring facts and priorities instead.
• Do not bring a new partner. Sessions are for the two of you. Anyone else in the room, or on the call, changes the conversation.
• Do not rehearse the marriage. Mediation settles the future. What went wrong is for a therapist, if anyone; the sessions are shorter and kinder when it stays out.

What the first session is like

With Smart Divorce NY, the first session is by video, usually sixty to ninety minutes, with both of you and the mediator. He explains how mediation works and what the court will need, asks each of you what matters most, and lists the decisions ahead. Most of the first session is spent on the parenting plan if there are children, or on the financial picture if there are not.

Two to three sessions is typical. After the last one, an attorney writes the separation agreement, you both review and sign it, and the attorney files the uncontested divorce in your county. The flat fee covers all of it.